READY TO DIE

"MASTER THESE FIRST OR THERE IS NO MOVING ON"

PRAYER:

MUSIC:

TRAINING:

PAIN:

MEDITATION:

WRITING:

?

BLUR(New Form Of Poetry): Double Titled Poetry?

I wrote this poem this morning, with a fusion of thought, that breaks in half of thinking, but really is a fusion of the same meaning, or intent. It starts with a title to the poem in quotation marks, and ends with a new title of the second half, but it's one poem?

"OBSESSION"
Prodigy Level Lyrics;
And I don't mean that.
It's just a thought.
You have to feed thee OBSESSION,
or it will eat you alive.
You try and starve thee OBSESSION,
and you will be left famished for dead.
A fusion of MAD THOUGHT.
This puzzle is all connected?
You try and run,
and it will find you.
You try and escape,
and you will be captured further deeper into the abyss of eternal MADNESS.
The only way to break free,
is to embrace,
all fear,
and,
all pain,
till you, SNAP - BREAK,
the threshold precipice,
into infinite pieces of shattered dust particle fragments disintegrated into non-existence.
You have conquered thee OBSESSION;
You own it.
Dethroned it.
Your throne is now shined showed upon all KINGS,
now known that this mad KING shont not be detested,
because this MAD KING'S GOD has blessed this kid,
infinitely.
"An Expression Of Aggression"

Inspired by Otep

"In this world you can choose to either be thee aggressor or be aggressed upon." ~ BLUR Quotes

MIDNIGHT MADNESS - DAY TWO

"What better way to master pain than dying" ~ BLUR

I woke up again at 11:58 PM. I couldn't fall back to sleep. So I am up listening to, "The Birthday Massacre", numbing out my brain, intaking my optimal nutrition, loading up on 'intense enhancement healing' due to all my uncontrollable severe self-destruction, you see, most people with these mental illnesses go the opposite direction of dumbing down their minds and their madness mania with psych meds, you see, me, I go the opposite direction of embracing the madness, as an enhancement to fight force my way through these obstacle struggles of risky deadly suffering set out to kill me. SELF-CONTROL IS A MUST!(Self-Mastery)

I've started my 1,000 repetition training. Full body spectrum in a cycle circle of full body exercising. To produce pure raw endorphins from the inescapable pain called, "LIFE"

As it is now officially Monday I get ready for another round of full week intensive mental illness therapy=YAYYYYYYY

DETERMINATION

It is now 2:32 AM, Day 3, as I write this, reflecting on yesterday, AS THE MUSIC'S BLASTING DRIVING ME INSANE.

Here's a quote for'ya;
"How insane do I have to drive my self to have the drive to succeed?" ~ BLUR

We wrote poetry yesterday based on the Dr. Seuss dude.

I didn't know that was a real dude?

Listen.
This is the fun/the happiness that you can expect in life when you finally decide to change, you can find some brinks of happiness/clarity/peace, in the tiniest of moments.

I don't have the poem I wrote, they kept it for the art show/slash/pizza show coming up TOMORROW... I FORGET IT'S TOMORROW... =WOOHOOOOOOO
(cause I'm pretty much out of food, yo)

"Heal the mind and the body will follow"

So I woke up at midnight last night.
This you already know.
But then, I took another 100 milly's of Seroquel at 2:30 AM to con some more sleep, set the alarm clock for three hours, got up at 5:30 because I am that shot from my weekend of self destruction, taking 900 mg of Wellbutrin abuse, I almost died. My brain literally almost exploded. I was praying, "Please GOD, don't let me die this way. My mom will find me dead."

Also drank 12 tea bags yesterday, but I'm proud of my self because I salvaged what I could of showing some restraint that by the time I got home from program at 3:30 PM I didn't drink anymore caffeine because I plan on being caffeine free by February 10th=LENT
(I feel the pain of everyone)

That's ADHD for'ya,
when your brain will just think of random stuff,
out of the blue.

ADHD IS FUN!

I had to run a couple blocks through the slippery snow yesterday to catch the cab, because the cab couldn't make it through the roads, so looking back I feel grateful that I got to go to the program yesterday. I was so out of breath.

SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS: These low self-esteem insecurities get me pretty bad, specifically my face(I'm #Aries, we typically have problems in the facial area), specifically my nose, I can't seem to close the pores, I think about it all day. And I hate shaving so much, it ruins your face.
(well, that's-that)

I seen the nurse yesterday, too.
And I felt like, when she measured my waist, her face was flushed, like she was turned on or something?
WHAT THE HELL?????????
You see, everyone talks about, "Alcohol", like it's so hard to kick the habit, because it's, "everywhere", but the lust on Planet Earth causes WAY MORE suffering than alcohol does.
LUST IS LITERALLY EVERYWHERE, IN COMMERCIALS, TV, MEDIA, MAGAZINES, STORE FRONTS, NEWS PAPERS, MUSIC SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES, AND THE WORST PART=PEOPLE

Then of course I went to talk to the psychiatrist, and she was Russian, and one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen.
I ended up telling her about my dissociative identity disorder(order).

Welp,
that was my day!

Ciao!

FACING DEATH AND DESTRUCTION - DAY ONE

I pretty much completely destroyed my self.
And I really hope nobody is reading this because this world is cruel enough. I am the victim.
Hold it against me for having the right to want to be left alone.

I'm listening to 'Earth Crisis' right now, preparing my mind, and my will, for death.

I abused Wellbutrin and my brain almost exploded.
Who does these type of things?(=ME)
My only hope right now is that I've been here before,
many times,
and I always bounced back.
But can I ever stop my severe, 'Self-Destruction'.

I have to walk up to the store again in the dead of winter to get water again.
I'm so damned dehydrated from my self-destruction,
my cells of this physical biological machine  are dying of thirst,
practically begging me for water.
This is one of the ways the body heals.
And you build a tolerance for water.
I meet people that barely drink any water at all(my mom),
and their health takes a huge hit from not having that H2O to function.

I dug the snow off the porch out for my cat.
As I almost threw out my back.

And I'm watching HORROR movies, that's never good(1/24/16 1:23 PM)

I'M NOT GOING TO DIE - I'M GOING TO SURVIVE: 3:23 PM - I walked up to the store to get water, and have become completely NUMB? I can't even look at people. I despise my own species because anything that anybody needs in life for survival and safety already exists here on *Earth* and guess who has those thing? =OUR FELLOW HUMAN SPECIES, BUT NOBODY WILL GIVE US SUFFERERS WHAT WE NEED NO MATTER HOW HARD WE TRY WE CAN NOT GET WHAT WE NEED???????? I'm at a place where I would chop off one of my foots with an axe for what me and my mom need.

And when I spit on the ground as I walk(cause I brushed my teeth and hate the toothpaste taste, I spit on the ground like the movie, "I SPIT ON YOUR GRAVE" =Pure, unbridled RAGE

I will try to start a positive outlook about life tomorrow, as I head back to my intensive mental illness therapy, I'm starting 5 days a week tomorrow, and hopes that they can help be grab a hold of control of my self.

Writing Has Become Therapy For Me!

Raw Honesty, because *Lent* is about to start, and I'm at a place where I am preparing(re-purifying my self)for DEATH

BLUR

STORM JONAS - DAY ONE?

Well? Actually? Today isn't day one...
It is 9:51 PM - Saturday, January 23rd, 2016, and I just got back from walking a mile and a half to Walmart because me and my mom ran out of spring water and am no way drinking sink water, you have to weigh out the risks; is it worse to walk a mile and a half in a snow blizzard, or, drink sink water? Well. Sink water makes me ill immediately, cause I have hyperhidrosis(sweat)disorder, which makes my bod, nervous system, sensitive to everything, so I can actually tell you when something is toxic, and I stay away from chemicals, too.

Ok. So when I got out there in the, like, 3 feet of snow, and made it to the street, I thought, "Hey. It's not that cold, and the snow is soft, so it will be easy to walk.", But then, I almost slipped, and realized, "UNDERNEATH THE SNOW IS ALL ICE!!!!!!!!". So now, my life is at stake, of falling and breaking something(or sprain or whatever?), BUT!(and I declare). I was so grateful at this time that I am a lanky strapping young lad that has the balance of a NINJA :3

I HAD A WEEKEND FROM HELL AND ALMOST DIED(as usual).
But the worst part is the worry of my mom finding me dead, so, as usual, I'm freaking out frantic that I almost died, praying to GOD cause I abused my Wellbutrin and felt like the blood vessels in my brain were going to explode, so there. =WHO DOES THAT?????

I am my own worst enemy!

You would think 'Storm Jonas' would be weak like the 'Jonas Brothers', not that they are really weak, but I mean, come on, it's like 'Storm Hanson'.(Hanson Brothers)

Ok, first blog a "SUCCESS" :3

I am committing to documenting the rest of my life till the DAY. I. DIE. and make it to the after life as a totally ascended spirit being.

Ciao!