I woke up again at 11:58 PM. I couldn't fall back to sleep. So I am up listening to, "The Birthday Massacre", numbing out my brain, intaking my optimal nutrition, loading up on 'intense enhancement healing' due to all my uncontrollable severe self-destruction, you see, most people with these mental illnesses go the opposite direction of dumbing down their minds and their madness mania with psych meds, you see, me, I go the opposite direction of embracing the madness, as an enhancement to fight force my way through these obstacle struggles of risky deadly suffering set out to kill me. SELF-CONTROL IS A MUST!(Self-Mastery)
I've started my 1,000 repetition training. Full body spectrum in a cycle circle of full body exercising. To produce pure raw endorphins from the inescapable pain called, "LIFE"
As it is now officially Monday I get ready for another round of full week intensive mental illness therapy=YAYYYYYYY
DETERMINATION
It is now 2:32 AM, Day 3, as I write this, reflecting on yesterday, AS THE MUSIC'S BLASTING DRIVING ME INSANE.
Here's a quote for'ya;
"How insane do I have to drive my self to have the drive to succeed?" ~ BLUR
We wrote poetry yesterday based on the Dr. Seuss dude.
I didn't know that was a real dude?
Listen.
This is the fun/the happiness that you can expect in life when you finally decide to change, you can find some brinks of happiness/clarity/peace, in the tiniest of moments.
I don't have the poem I wrote, they kept it for the art show/slash/pizza show coming up TOMORROW... I FORGET IT'S TOMORROW... =WOOHOOOOOOO
(cause I'm pretty much out of food, yo)
"Heal the mind and the body will follow"
So I woke up at midnight last night.
This you already know.
But then, I took another 100 milly's of Seroquel at 2:30 AM to con some more sleep, set the alarm clock for three hours, got up at 5:30 because I am that shot from my weekend of self destruction, taking 900 mg of Wellbutrin abuse, I almost died. My brain literally almost exploded. I was praying, "Please GOD, don't let me die this way. My mom will find me dead."
Also drank 12 tea bags yesterday, but I'm proud of my self because I salvaged what I could of showing some restraint that by the time I got home from program at 3:30 PM I didn't drink anymore caffeine because I plan on being caffeine free by February 10th=LENT
(I feel the pain of everyone)
That's ADHD for'ya,
when your brain will just think of random stuff,
out of the blue.
ADHD IS FUN!
I had to run a couple blocks through the slippery snow yesterday to catch the cab, because the cab couldn't make it through the roads, so looking back I feel grateful that I got to go to the program yesterday. I was so out of breath.
SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS: These low self-esteem insecurities get me pretty bad, specifically my face(I'm #Aries, we typically have problems in the facial area), specifically my nose, I can't seem to close the pores, I think about it all day. And I hate shaving so much, it ruins your face.
(well, that's-that)
I seen the nurse yesterday, too.
And I felt like, when she measured my waist, her face was flushed, like she was turned on or something?
WHAT THE HELL?????????
You see, everyone talks about, "Alcohol", like it's so hard to kick the habit, because it's, "everywhere", but the lust on Planet Earth causes WAY MORE suffering than alcohol does.
LUST IS LITERALLY EVERYWHERE, IN COMMERCIALS, TV, MEDIA, MAGAZINES, STORE FRONTS, NEWS PAPERS, MUSIC SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES, AND THE WORST PART=PEOPLE
Then of course I went to talk to the psychiatrist, and she was Russian, and one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen.
I ended up telling her about my dissociative identity disorder(order).
Welp,
that was my day!
Ciao!
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